I don’t have a title for these feelings.
When I first had the idea for this blog of mine was to always talk and share all the good things — positive things — not a place for any kind of negativity. However, I guess it’s okay to not be okay sometimes.
I’ve got many things to be grateful for, to be happy and proud of. I have a beautiful wife that I love and she loves me back. Two beautiful daughters, one will turn three in February and the other one is two months and a half old. I have a roof, food on my table and a decent job. And yet I have these feelings that I can’t seem to shake off my head lately.
My degree it’s in Science, a Bachelor of Science with coursework on General Biology, Molecular Biology and Chemistry. When I first moved to the States in 2008, I found my first job as a customer service agent at a call center. I remember I hated that job, granted, it did make me have to get into the language by talking to customers all day on the phone. But again, it wasn’t my calling, it wasn’t what I wanted to do — what I went to school for. Needless to say I has unhappy, miserable and depressed. That lasted about three years or so.
In July 2012, I was hired as a Laboratory Technician for a local company, for their plant sciences department. And I was extremely excited for this opportunity. Finally was doing what I always wanted, working in science and I was happy. I love the job, it made me feel proud about myself. I was always learning and growing both as a scientist and as a person. I met awesome people — brilliant people — made good friends and build up relationships. In five years I had worked in the areas of Biochemistry and Regulatory Sciences. I started as a laboratory Technician for R&D and in less than 2 years I had been promoted to Assistant Scientist. After 2 more years in R&D I worked as a Regulatory Assistant Scientist. It was a great company and place to work for but as we grew,things eventually changed, management changed, priorities changed and yet I was happy doing my job. As priorities changed so did the company’s vision and direction, they decided to do a “restructure” based on this new direction. Long story short, in September 5th, 2017 my position within the company was eliminated thus I was let go. Now I am no longer happy, more depressed than ever and a mix of anger, sadness and a little bit of betrayal. I think,until this day, I’m still dealing with some of that, like grieving in a way. Like I haven’t moved on.
As most of us know, job hunting can be a nightmare. Specially in the Biotechnology field, it’s a tough market, specially if you are not willing to relocate. At the time (and probably still) relocation wasn’t a option, that alone limited my chances. There aren’t that many Biotechnology companies in town. After many phone interviews and many many rejections I got an offer! On April 16, 2018 I was hired as a Quality Specialist for a new company in town, not science related but one that I could use my “quality assurance” skills. It’s been almost a year and it’s going well, I like the job just fine, I have met new people, new friends, new challenges and learning new things and skills. But… and not to disparage my current job but that feeling of proudness and self-worth I had, it isn’t quite there. I don’t feel like I’m miserable at the job but I often have these feelings of doubt. If this what I really want to do? Should I be doing something different? Or I just need time to move on and adjust to my new career? Is this the show?
These are some of the feelings I can’t seem to shake off my head lately. Sadly, at the moment, I don’t have any plans on how to go about this. Right now there are too many other things going on at the moment.
Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk.